The Reasons
by clovestraddle
Summary: Reasons. Everyone has them. But reasons for continuing his life? Adam had none. With his final day in motion, he can only hope that for once things can go as planned.


**The Reasons**

'_Today's the day. You know it is. You've known it ever since you decided that it was.' _Adam's hands clung onto his wardrobe, staring at the mirror above it. A few trails of drying tears were painted down his cheeks as he stared into his own baby blue eyes. _'You're ready for this. You've been planning it and this is your only chance. Everything is exactly as you wanted it to be and there isn't going to be another day like today.'_ He breathed out heavily. His fingertips were going white from grasping onto the wardrobe too tightly. He couldn't think of anything but the fact that that day was the day he had been waiting for. Adam carefully shut a drawer, and looked back up at himself. He looked good. Wearing his Dead Hand shirt that Eli got for him with a plaid button up over it, a pair of his favorite pair of dark jeans, and the pair of shoes he wore most. He even let his hair grow out a bit just for this occasion.

He looked back at himself, and softly brushed the wrinkles out of his shirt. His feet kept nervously making minor adjustments to his stance, but soon enough, he was satisfied. Adam felt his muscles tighten as he looked away from the mirror and stepped towards his bedroom door. As he stood with one foot out in the hall, and one in his room, he felt dread beginning to build. That look on the mirror was the last glimpse he had of himself. That his room, it had treated him like a prison mate but it had always been there for him. He licked his lips, trying to absorb every detail, before forcing himself away. He shut the door quietly, and made his way down the hall. 'Don't look at the family photos.' He reminded himself as he rushed to the staircase. He fumbled downstairs, sliding his hand along the wall as he did so. It brought back fond memories from when they first got the house. He hopped off the bottom step and paused. Audra was fast asleep on the couch. It was still early afternoon but she had a busy day. Adam kneeled down by her. He watched her as she breathed softly with a movie blanket over her, cuddled into the sofa. She looked so safe there.

"Mom," Adam whispered. He didn't want to wake her up, but he just wanted to address her. He licked his lips nervously as she shifted before him. She stirred, but didn't wake. Adam's brow furrowed as he looked at her. The woman who had tried her best for Gracie. "Even through all of it… I loved you." Adam tried his best to keep quiet and he moved forward. He planted a soft kiss on her knuckles, and rose to his feet. As he walked to the front door with a lag in his step, he noticed something. There was a blue football jersey laid out over an armchair. Adam stopped in his steps, glancing over at it. It wasn't long before he found himself kneeling beside it and touching it delicately.

_'Torres, Panthers, 88'._

Adam remembered the day Drew was appointed as quarterback. He had been so happy. Adam pressed the jersey against his lips.

"I love you. Drew, I love you so much." He muttered. His throat tightened. His stinging eyes couldn't help it anymore and a new set of fresh tears came streaming from his eyes. He quickly buried his face into the jersey to mute himself, so Audra couldn't hear. "And I'm so sorry!" He gasped, digging his fingers against the blue fabric as he pulled away. He clung onto it, looking down at the number 88. "I am so sorry, please forgive me." He breathed. He heard Audra shift again on the couch, and glanced up at her. She was still asleep. Adam looked back down at the jersey, breathing hard. "Stay with Bianca." He uttered, shaking his head. "Vince is old news, so please, just stay with her." He placed the jersey down on the armrest, and hauled himself to his feet. It was cold outside, per usual. The sky was a milky gray color, shrouded by endless clouds. It was windy as well. Adam wondered if that would complicate his plans. Wiping the tears from his cheeks, he kept walking until he managed to get a taxi. He was silent the whole ride, instead of commenting on little things like he usually would do.

When he arrived at his destination, he paid and got out without a single word. He didn't even wait for the change. His eyes met with the majestic building, better know was Degrassi. He squinted up at the taunting monument. It sure had gotten much taller over the summer since all that construction. Adam didn't even realize how many floors had been added until recently. Adam's eyes scanned over the students, all dressed in their uniforms and ready for some poor quality learning. Their smiles, their eyes, their friends, their body language. Everything. All Adam knew was that they were going to live that day. That this was just a normal day for them. They didn't have anything planned, except maybe going out to The Dot with friends or looking forward to seeing a certain someone. They were going to be alive by the end of the day and they didn't even have to think twice about it. As Adam passed the lockers, he reached into the inside pocket of his plaid button-up. He had notes inside. Small ones. As he walked by the lockers, placed some notes through the top opening. It took him four months to memorize which locker belonged to which student.

_To Dave: _

_Put Connor on the show… I'm sure he's been neglected enough. And tell Alli how you feel. Just trust me._

_To Jenna:_

_We didn't talk much but I know you've had a hard time with KC. Forgive him. Love him. For your own sake. _

_To KC: _

_Man up. Man up for Jenna and man up for Tyson. It's not over until you say it is._

_To Imogen: _

_Eli loves you. Never let go of him and never displease him._

_To Owen: _

_I forgive you. _

_To Katie: _

_I know life's been hard on you. Losing football, and losing my brother to Bianca. But please, Katie, never give up. Call me a hypocrite but I need you to know that you're better, stronger and loved._

_To Zig: _

_Drop Tori. Find Maya. Apologize. Explain. Be happy._

_To Tristan: _

_Never stop being yourself no matter what anyone else thinks._

_To Fiona: _

_If happiness doesn't find you then you'll find it yourself. I believe in you even if we never worked out. Because for awhile you did make me happy, and I think that's enough proof that you can make it on your own._

Adam weaved through the students, pushing passed them with a soft 'sorry' or 'excuse me'. He was battered through the crowd until he reached just the place he wanted to be. The drama room. And sure enough, there was Eli Goldsworthy, working hard and slouched over a script. The room was still empty. Adam couldn't move. He just stood there at the door, watching Eli cursing under his breath as he scribbled out sentences. Adam's mouth opened to say something but he couldn't for awhile. He brought his foot forward and stepped into the drama room. The noise echoed against the walls. Eli's head snapped up.

"Whoa, hey there, champion. Where's the uniform?" He smirked, eyeing Adam up and down as he walked in. Adam chuckled softly as he neared Eli. His smile quickly faded once he was close enough. Eli grinned as Adam stood before him dressed as he usually would outside of school. "Looking good, Mr Bond. But are you trying to get suspended? You know Simpson's a total nerd for rules." He muttered, standing to his feet. Adam just shrugged softly. He could feel his eyes watering just being this near to Eli. Eli peered at him. "You alright, buddy?" He asked in a lower voice. Adam's eyes focused on the floor as his lips parted.

"You're my best friend." He murmured in a small voice. Eli paused for a moment and frowned. He grinned slightly.

"And you're mine?" Eli shrugged, script in hand. There was silence for a couple of seconds as Adam tried to loosen the knot in his throat.

"You're strong and great and I just wanted you to… know." He muttered, forcing himself to look up at Eli and make eye contact with him. Eli said nothing and stared at Adam. The redness around his eyes showed that he had previously been crying. The quiver in his lip showed that he was about to.

"Adam… is everything alright?" Eli asked. His bright eyes were glimmering in the dim light. Adam gulped hard, trying his best to control himself. He looked down at his own chest and pulled a chain from around his neck. He looked at it sitting in the palm of his hand. It was a dog tag with his name on it, and a sentence engraved just below it. The dog tag had always been tucked under his shirt instead of kept on the outside. He felt like that was it'd be closer to his heart and more personal. Adam glanced up at Eli, who was watching him with wonder in his eyes, and reached out. He took Eli's wrist and pulled it forward, placing the dog tag in Eli's hand, shutting it.

"Here." Adam muttered. Eli looked down, about to uncurl his fingers, but Adam shut his hand again. "I… have to go now…" He breathed. His hand slid off of Eli's and took a step away. He forced himself not to look back. The last image of Eli was a look of confusion and worry all over his face.

"Adam, I… I'll, umm… See you later." Eli said. Adam stopped at the sentence.

"You won't." He uttered, as a flock of warm tears filled his blue eyes. He felt his stomach drop and his knees weaken. Adam could've turned back if he hadn't promised himself not to.

"What?" Eli asked. Adam sniffed, wiping a tear from his cheeks.

"No – um – uh, nothing! It's nothing. I'll just… go." He stuttered, rushing for the exit.

"Adam – " He marched out into the bright hall again, moving quickly now that the halls were empty and everyone was filing into classrooms. '_Don't look back. Don't ever look back.'_ That was a rule he made when he planned everything. And everything had to go as he wanted. For one day. For just one day, he wanted things his own way, his own plan, his own life. Meanwhile, in the drama room, Eli Goldsworthy opened his hand.

'_You are one brave warrior.'_ Eli stared down at the words engrave across the center of the dog tag. He looked back up at where Adam had been standing, as the drama room began to fill with students.

"Adam?" He echoed softly to himself, frowning.

Adam thrust his locker door open as his heart began to race. His hands fumbled through papers and books, letting them fall to the floor as he searched and searched. Until finally, he knocked over two little cylindrical bottles with his knuckles. He paused for a moment as realization hit him. He grabbed them and pulled them out in front of him. Before him he had a bottle of Prozac and Ambien. Prozac; a common antidepressant. Ambien; deep sleeping medication. He had taken them from his own home weeks ago. Prozac belonged to Omar when he was going through depression, but never finished his dosage as his psychiatrist instructed him, so he could switch to Lexapro. The Ambien was for Drew when he was going through PTS, but he never took them because Audra thought it would be too dangerous. Adam poured each of the types of pills into the palm of his hand. He stared at the little pellets that filled his palms. That was all it took, wasn't it? Mixing two types of medication that should never been taken in excess or mixed.

With a small whimper, Adam began shoveling the pills into his mouth. He started crushing them between his teeth. They tasted foul. They were dry and the sound of them crunching in his mouth started to make him cringe. But he kept going through it. Pushing pill after pill in, chewing, coughing, swallowing, then over again. Chewing pills makes them work faster. Usually a pill could take up to forty minutes to be in affect, chewing them cuts the waiting time to about ten minutes. As Adam darted for the water fountain he realized that was all he had. Ten minutes. Ten goddamn minutes for the final piece. He swallowed the water down fast, trying to wash the taste away, but it didn't work. He pulled away, coughing. Adam stepped away and tugged at his hair.

"Adam?" Came a sharp voice. He jumped at the sound. His eyes quickly found the source. "Adam, are you okay?" Clare came into sight. She peered at him. His messy hair, lack of uniform, the look in his eyes.

"Why aren't you in class?" Adam asked her, out of breath.

"Why aren't you?" She retorted. "Are you crying?" She observed. Adam's heart was racing faster than ever. Clare was the one girl he wanted to avoid. The note he left in her locker, saying that it was her, and that it always had been; he meant it.

"Clare, go to class." Adam ordered in a low voice, striding passed her. He could smell her as he passed. The scent made him wish he could turn back.

"What? No, Adam! What's going on?" Clare stormed after him. He slammed his locker shut. He didn't even take the time to say goodbye to it, after how well it had treated him.

"Clare. Class." He grumbled, continuing forward. Clare glared at him and grabbed his arm. "Clare!" He shouted. Adam turned to face her and her body came crashing against his. He broke a rule. He turned around. He looked back. "There isn't much time, okay? Just go to class! Honestly!" Adam shoved her away from him. Clare stood in awe as Adam huffed away, turning from her, running his fingers over his face.

"Time?" She asked him, watching his hands as they curled into fists in his hair. He was muttering something under his breath, with his forehead pressed against the wall.

"Clare…"

"Time for what?" She called, taking a step forward.

"Just go." Adam grunted. Clare looked around, searching for something. Anything. She saw the mess of papers and books below Adam's locker and quickly came over to it. She went through it desperately until her hands came across two bottles labeled Prozac and Ambien. She stared down at them.

"Adam, what are these doing by your…" Clare trailed off, hearing a whimper and a turn. She looked up. Adam had suddenly started running towards the back staircase, the one only used for emergencies. He burst through the doors and began climbing the stairs. Clare frantically looked back down at the pills as something began to rise inside of her. "Adam?" She whispered, examining the pill bottles again. They were empty. Clare's eyes widened and her mouth hung agape. "Adam!" She screamed in realization, dropping the Prozac and Ambien to the floor, letting them rattle against the cold ground. She hauled herself to her feet and started running. Just running. She didn't care about doing anything else. She tossed herself through the staircase doors and threw her bag to the floor. The contents sprawl out everywhere but she didn't dare go back for it. She flung herself up the stairs, skipping several at a time.

"Adam! Adam, please!" He could hear her from downstairs and it didn't stop him. This wasn't part of his plan. He climbed and climbed, waiting to see those doors. Clare was four staircases below him. "Stop! Adam!" She continued. He blocked her voice out. One foot in front of the other, or something like that. Breathing hard, arms tugging at the handrail. And suddenly, the doors that read rooftop. Adam groggily shoved them open. His eyes were met with the dull sunshine and darkening clouds. The blue orbs then focused on the path ahead of him. That dirty gray paved strip of roof before him. And finally, the brick ledge at the very end. He stumbled forward, now hearing his heart at his ears, unable to focus.

"Come on, man." He told himself, nearly there. The wind carried a soothing silence as Adam firmly stood up on the ledge and planted his feet just as he imagined he would. He steadied himself, and looked out over the horizon of low rise buildings and roads. He could see quite a bit from where he was. The air felt smooth even if it looked as if a storm was coming. He looked down. A whimper left his throat when he saw the height below him. "God…" He gulped, wiping a bead of sweat from his temple. "Oh god…" He whimpered, watching the small people as if they were ants. He looked back up at the buildings ahead as his face indicated more tears. "Aw, man." He breathed shakily. The doors behind him slammed open again, giving him a fright. Clare took a step forward on the roof before seeing him at the ledge.

"Adam!" She squealed, taking a step back instinctively. Adam shut his eyes tightly. "Jesus! Adam! God!" She collapsed against the wall behind her, curling against herself in fear. "Get down! Adam, please!" She yelled. Her hands were shaking and her eyes were red with panic. Adam sighed heavily. His cold cheeks were invaded with a few lines of hot tears, retracing the tracks of his old ones.

"Clare." He said firmly. Clare gasped for air as she pulled herself to her feet, and began making her way forward.

"Adam, stop it!" His eyes shut tighter. "Step back! Please, Adam! Please!" She begged in a hoarse voice. Adam knew she was crying. He didn't have to turn back and see it. Her voice was torn and her breath was harsh. Adam's jaw tightened.

"Clare… Go to class." He muttered. Clare was buckled over on the ground just meters away from him. Her hands were at her face and she was crying hysterically into them. Her nails dug against her flesh as the tears came washing over her. Adam didn't want to believe it. He gulped hard. "I'll… I'll be fine just here. You go to class." He told her softly, opening his eyes.

"Adam!" She gasped from her hands. Adam cringed at her voice. "Please! You don't have to do this! Please! We can talk this out, Adam!" She looked up at him shakily. "Adam… We can talk this out!" He looked back at the buildings, shaking his head.

"No, Clare." He uttered.

"Adam – "

"We can't." He cut passed her, biting his lower lip. He looked down again.

"Adam… please." Clare gasped as her body shook even more violently than before.

"I'll be fine here, Clare! Leave me! I'll be fine right here!" Adam insisted, squeezing his right hand into a fist as he looked down again. He coughed once, stifling a cry. His foot shifted forward slightly.

"Adam!" Clare cried. It halted him and echoed through the wind. Clare brought herself forward, just below the ledge. It was only a foot high and a good one and a half meters wide. She watched him. His figure now hovering unsteadily over the building, trembling and scared. Clare knew that all it took was one step. She looked at him pleadingly. "Please… Adam..." She began softly, "People need you…" She breathed.

"Nobody needs me."

"People need you!" Clare repeated with a sense of frustration. Adam coughed again, wiping the tears from his cheek once more. "You don't deserve this, Adam, nobody does. Life has its ups and downs and unfortunately some of us have more of the other… But does that mean you're just going to give up?"

"I'm not giving up."

"You are giving up!"

"I'm not, Clare!" Adam cried, almost shaking with anger. "I'm escaping! Not giving up!" He exclaimed furiously.

"You don't need to do it like this." Clare breathed.

"Yes I do! Now can you just go?" He grunted through his teeth. Clare stared up at him shakily, and shook her head.

"I'm not going anywhere." She licked her lips, looking at ledge. Hesitantly, she placed one of her own feet up on it.

"Clare? Clare, what are you doing?" Adam asked with widening eyes. He heard her shuffling. Closer and closer. He felt himself starting to panic. "Clare!" He exclaimed as he started hearing her breath nearer to him. "What do you think you're – " Clare took Adam's hand into hers and he gasped. "Clare!"

"Adam." She responded in a low voice. Her entire face was plastered with fear as she looked over his shoulder and down at the fall. She quickly looked up.

"Clare, you're being stupid, get down." He muttered breathlessly.

"People need you, Adam." Clare said, now so close to his back. She pressed her cheek against his shoulder, watching the buildings as they turned sideways. Adam was protesting under his breath but Clare couldn't hear it. She didn't want to hear it. "Dave needs you. Drew needs you. Your parents need you. Eli needs you." She murmured against his shoulder. Adam felt a small movement behind him as Clare placed her hand softly on Adam's back.

"You don't mean that." He breathed.

"Fiona needs you. Bianca needs you. The Matlin family need you."

"Clare… Stop, none of those people – "

"Adam, please." Clare breathed, grasping onto his hand tighter. Adam gulped, turning his head to look down at Clare's small hand in his, squeezing him tightly. "I need you." She muttered, pressing her forehead against Adam's neck. He blinked at the buildings as fresh tears swarmed his eyes. There was a knot in his throat.

"Clare, this isn't the time to discuss us." He murmured, shaking his head.

"This is the exact time to discuss us." Clare retorted softly. Her grip on him loosened and she shifted on his shoulder. "I know how you feel about me." She confessed. Adam flinched at the sentence. "And I know you've had those feelings for awhile."

"It doesn't matter now."

"Yes it does." Clare snapped. She looked up at the side of his face from his shoulder. "Adam, look at me." She said, watching him as his eyebrows furrowed. "Adam," She licked her lips, "Look at me." She ordered firmer. Adam gulped again and looked back down at the fall, he shook his head sourly.

"No."

"Adam, look at me!"

"No!"

"Adam Torres!" She exclaimed in a motherly fashion. Adam's lips shivered open. He tried to say something but he couldn't. He wanted to be strong and firm with his plan but he couldn't. Clare's hand soothingly ran over Adam's side. His mouth dropped slightly as the hand slid over his stomach. "Please look at me." Clare said by his ear. Adam's hard eyes focused out on the buildings. "Please, Adam." She pleaded, with her lips right on the back of his collar. Adam gulped hard, straining his neck muscles. His reddening face began to turn swiftly. He turned to look sideways, refusing to make eye contact with Clare. But she waited. She stared at the side of his face, memorizing small facial features like his cute nose and sharp jawbone. She waited until Adam couldn't help himself. His shiny blue eyes turned in their sockets and met with Clare's. He gulped at how close their faces had suddenly become. Clare glanced briefly at Adam's lips before returning to his eyes.

"Nothing matters right now. The only thing that matters is you." She breathed. Adam stared down at her with that same wrinkled brow he always had when he was in a troubled state.

"I'm not."

"You are the only thing that matters." Clare insisted. "You and I are the only things that matter, right now. Right here. You understand?" She mumbled, squeezing his hand again. Adam looked down at her with a confused expression on his face. Clare bit the inside of her cheek as she glanced back at Adam's lips.

"Clare, what do you mean by – " She tilted her chin upwards suddenly and silenced him with a kiss. Adam turned, facing her to return it. Pressing his lips against hers softly. Both their hearts were racing, fast. Clare's hand slipped away from Adam's. She lightly placed it on his warm neck and stroked his jawbone. She moved her lips against his rhythmically, holding him. They stood together on that ledge locked in a passionate kiss, so close to potential death. Adam broke away. "Clare." He grumbled. Clare grasped onto his shirt.

"Adam, stay alive, stay with me." Clare muttered quickly, peering into his eyes.

"I can't." He gulped, taking her wrist in his palm. He pulled her off of him. "The pills I took." He told her, looking into her frightened eyes. "Don't you get it, Clare? It's already too late." He took one step away from her. Her eyes widened.

"Adam!" She warned, cowering slightly.

"I'm not worth it, I'm nothing. I'm nothing, you just need to… Understand." Adam turned back, facing the fall once more. The front of his shoes, right where his toes were, were already on the very edge, peeping over the side. Clare's heart skipped a beat as Adam's hands started to shake. He felt his body shutting down. The pills were killing him already and he could feel it. "This is how it's supposed to be, so… so just let me be." His ankle moved slightly and a warrior came along. Clare lunged forward. All in one moment of pure bravery, fear and love; Clare reached out and grabbed the back of his shirt. And with whatever strength she possessed she pulled. Adam came stumbling back away from the ledge, chipping flakey bits of paint off the roof with the back of his shoes. Gravity hauled the two bodies backwards onto the rooftop with a thud. They crashed onto the floor next to one another. Adam quickly tried scrambling to his feet.

"No!" He shouted. Clare reached up, pulling her arms around Adam's waist, forcing him to the ground. "No! Clare! Stop! You don't understand! I have to do this!" He pleaded, trying desperately to tear her arms off of him. He felt like he was about to explode.

"Adam, you're staying right here!" Clare shouted against him, tugging at his waist.

"Stop, Clare! Just st… St…" He trailed off, as his eyes widened in horror. He glared down at his stomach. The pills were officially taking action. Adam hadn't even realized how violently his hands were shaking.

"No. No, no, no…" Clare whimpered, glaring.

"Clare, I…" He uttered, looking down at himself. Clare watched as Adam stopped protesting against her and suddenly began groping aimlessly at the dirty floor. He grunted and collapsed onto his side.

"Adam!" Clare climbed over him frantically. He was paler than she thought. His lungs wheezed for air as he blinked up at the pale gray sky. Clare straddled his lap and soothingly pressed him down at his shoulders. "Adam, everything going to be okay, okay? Adam? Listen to me!" She breathed, struggling to retrieve her phone from her pocket. Adam blinked slowly up at her as she pressed her phone to her ear. He fought for air instinctively, and thought of how stupid it was. "Adam! Oh my god! Okay, just keep looking at me, alright? Everything's going to be fine!" Clare told him. She watched as he peered up at her, blinking and heavy.

"Everything's fine just the way it is." He whispered.

"No, Adam! No it's not! Don't say things like that!" Clare exclaimed, shaking her head at him. There was a voice on the line that made Clare jump. "Hello? Hello, yes, we need help!" Adam's lips parted to say something but nothing came out. His chest rose, arching his back, then fell again with a painful whimper. "Help!" Clare cried at the terror before her. "Please! Just send help! Um – yes – no, I mean no! No! A suicide attempt… Yes… Help! Please! Please hurry! Please…" Clare looked down at Adam's struggle, now more frantic than ever. Adam's trembling hand reached up and grabbed Clare's tightly. Clare looked down at it, breathing hard. He couldn't say anything, but his hands spoke it all for him. "The rooftop of Degrassi Highschool… Please help. Please! Be here as fast as you can! Please, I…" Clare trailed off as Adam's lips shivered and there was a small choking noise at the back of his throat.

"I can't…" She let the phone slip from her grasp, falling onto the floor. Clare looked down at Adam with her watery eyes and red face, now barely able to form a proper sentence. She shakily moved forward and buried her face in Adam's neck. Her hand got tangled in Adam's hair as she tugged at him. She cried hard against him, but tried her best not to make much noise. Adam heard the occasional gasp for air or just a flat out cry. A single tear slid down his cheek as he gulped. He felt Clare curled over her, holding onto him and muttering things. But it got to the point where he could barely hear. There was a ringing noise in his ears and his surroundings were faded. Clare stroked his hair lovingly and shut her eyes, breathing softly against his skin. She kissed his jawbone once. Just once, then pulled away again and buried herself into him. As he faded, and consciousness slipped away from him, she waited.

She waited over him faithfully until the paramedics arrived, and pulled her away from his lifeless body.

And hours later, in a quiet hospital, with squeaky clean floors and bright lights blazing out in the hall – family and friends gathered within a small room. Their faces were in their hands, shoulders, knees, walls. Anything to hide themselves from the scene in front of them.

Then suddenly;

two blue orbs shot open,

and a pair of dry lips, finally, gasped for breath.

A heart, once beating slowly in his unconscious body, began to race.

And as the crowd began to shroud the awakening body, pleading him to stay longer, her hand touched his. He knew those were the hands that had grasped him on a dirty rooftop. And from his heart, he finally found reasons to be alive. Reasons to stay alive. For her and for everyone. And so he gripped her tightly and whispered;

"_You are the bravest warrior I have ever, ever seen; _

_Miss Clare Edwards."_

* * *

><p><strong>[AN: Hey you, thank you for reading til the end. :) Let me know what you think in a review!]**


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